Nailing jelly to the ceiling

Have you ever tried putting your nose to the grindstone, giving someone the cold shoulder, having your back against the wall, pulling your socks up, putting your best foot forward while leaving no stone unturned? That is what learning to roll is like.

The kayak is stable in two positions. Known as "the right way up" and "help". These are opposite to each other. Obviously one has gravity on its side and we use the other one. Rolling is the art of moving from one stable position to the other while the whole Earth is attempting to drown you. Yes, I do take it personally.

Firstly, move to the side of the pool, drop your paddle and grip the side. Voluntarily tip your boat until you can't breathe and then pull yourself back up again. Repeat ad nasuem, and believe me, nasuea is the general direction you should be aiming for. The idea for this controlled drowning is the attainment of the mystical hip-flick. Only when the penitent has been baptised many times can this be realised.

The next stage is to be shown the arcane paddle positions. With an instructor The initiate must perform these without knowledge of what their ultimate purpose will be. Lean forward. If you are right handed put the paddle on the left hand side of the kayak, parallel with it. With the front blade flat against the water. Twist your hand away from the boat, make sure you are leaning as far forward as possible. Comfortable? No? Well, now go drown yourself. The instructor then holds onto your paddle and pulls it round along the surface of the water until you are ready to push against that in order to breathe again. Repeat ad naseum.

Personally, I was doing this, with AJ's help, for weeks. It didn't make any sense, and it didn't feel intuitive. Why should I be moving my paddle side to side when I wanted to move from down to up? Then, one session I turned too sharply and capsized. I put my paddle in the correct position and then, without thinking, I rolled. It was effortless and felt so smooth. I felt good, and held my paddles in the air as a celebration. What I didn't know was that everyone was watching and I got cheers and applause.

That's it. I can roll. For the rest of that evening I practiced, but the effort came back and the smoothness went as I tried to work out how I had done it. The next week I lost it. Firstly I could get half way round and then a brace would get me up and eventually nothing worked.

I was advised to switch from my normal boat, the Perception Method Air, to a Pryanha 280. It has a rounder bottom (I know the feeling!) so should be easier. After getting into it and padling another sharp turn turned me upside down. But, I rolled back up again. It was easier.

Before going back to the Perception, I asked Wade to check my roll. He gave me 20 different things to do at the same time. Holding my breath was easy, I couldn't do everything and remember to breathe as well. The strangest thing in rolling is the fact that your head must remain in the water until the last moment. I am beginning to believe that kayaking and breathing don't go together. My roll vanished again. More practice, and less thought and it came back.

Now I can roll most times I try, and the side to side movement I have realised actually does move you half way up, so that when you do push down it isn't so far to go.

The only times when I don't roll now is when I think about it.